Question:
Rabbi,
For my Catholic Confirmation, we were required to make a stole, very similar to a small Tallis (12 inches by 68 inches), without the Tzitzit. Everyone in my group who was Confirmed that day in April 1983, had to make our own stole. I made mine with Jewish symbols, which my Mother cut from fabric and hand sewed to it. This new Tallis that I was writing about, my cousin (who is in his 90s, and was my Zaide’s favorite nephew) just bought me a Blue and Gold Size 60 Tallis Gadol handmade and imported from Israel. I am about 300 pounds and 5 foot 8 inches, so the size isn’t an issue. He spent a fortune on it. He even had the white Tzitzits exchanged with Tekhelet. They are Tosafot (the 2 Tekhelet and 2 white, but you know, I don’t have to tell you) tied in Vilna Gaon (GR”A). The GR”A is because of the family’s connection to Vilna, Russia and the Gaon, because I believe my Eltre-Eltre Zaide was named after him and a relative who had just passed away then. I know what it all means. Some in the family argue about Tekhelet and won’t wear it. From the time I was little, both the Jewish and Catholic sides of the family have gone to both services. I know it is not supposed to be, but everyone wanted to show love for each other. I know the Jewish side is not really supposed to attend Catholic Masses, and before the 1960s, the Catholic side wasn’t supposed to attend Temple. Since the 1960s, the Catholic Church has allowed it. Even though I was brought up Catholic, my Zaide bought me Kippot from the time I was little (about 3 years old). I had a few of them. As I got older, I bought larger ones myself. When it came to funerals, most of the Jewish side kept their distance, but they did visit to show respect and love. When I was little, my Maternal Zaide would pull me close and wrap me with his Tallis while he was wearing it and I was next to him when we were in “Temple.” That was what he called it.
Since my cousin bought me this Tallis, I was wondering if I could wear it, when I am at the Synagogue with my cousins. I know I can’t help make a Minyan, because I am not Bar Mitzvah. I was just wondering if it would be permitted, or if it is totally wrong. I would like to be buried with it. I am so proud to have it, but I know that is different from what is right to do.
One other thing. My Zaide and Bubbe wanted to be with my Mother in death. My Mother passed away in May, and all three are buried in a Catholic Cemetery. When my Zaide originally passed away in 1982, the Catholic Cemetery wouldn’t allow us to have a Magen David put on the gravestone he and my Bubbe share. Last month, the Catholic Cemetery Administration allowed my Zaide and Bubbe to have the Magen David engraved on their stone. They are also allowing my Mother and me to have it on our stone. We are having it done quick, fast, before they change their mind. Back in 1982, when my Bubbe and Mother were ordering my Zaide’s stone, the Cemetery was outright rude and said no. Now, they will allow it, so we are having it done before they change their mind. We know of another recent grave in the same section where they have the Magen David cut into the stone. My Mother was going to have that done for my Zaide’s stone this summer, but she fell ill with Massive Pulmonary Embolisms at the end of April. I verified they would allow it, so I am having it done. My Mother would be proud of it. I know I am. My Zaide and Bubbe would too.
Rabbi, one other thing, since I have you, and I am sorry to bother. I know they say that you can create a Jewish Cemetery by placing a 1 meter fence around the graves. I know the Catholic Cemetery would never allow that. I purchased a bag of polished Onyx and Sardonyx stones, and I have made 4 to 5 inch deep holes around the graves every 5 to 6 inches, to kind of create a ritual fence. I don’t know. Would that count? Maybe I am just hoping.
Thank you for answering Rabbi, and I am sorry to bother with all this. I know it is a trouble.
Guy
Answer:
Hi Guy,
Thank you for clarification. Regarding your question about the tallis it is the correct thing to do, and wear the tallis, but only if the tallis is indeed kosher. If the tzitzis were tied by a Jew that believes in God, the tallis should be alright, and you can wear it. (It should however not be carried to the temple on Shabbat). It would be best for you to show the tzitzis to an orthodox Rabbi, if there is one in your area, to look at.
Your second question however is much more important.
According to Jewish law, and kabbalah, it is very painful for a Jewish soul to be buried in a gentile cemetery, and the person’s soul suffers terribly from it. Therefore, by all means, don’t transfer your grandparents from the Jewish cemetery to the Catholic one. True, they requested to be buried next to your mother, however Jewish law clearly dictate that if a person requests that his children do something with his body that is against Jewish law, that the children may not obey. Jewish laws regarding burial and everything associated with the deceased are based on the great kabbalists, who understood what the soul endures after departing this world. They said that it is very painful for the soul for a Jew to be buried in a gentile cemetery. Had your grandparents known this while they were still alive they wouldn’t have said it. Secondly, Jewish tradition says that it is very painful for the soul to be disinterred, and it should not be done except under very specific conditions.
Regarding the height of the fence, although you mean well about putting the rocks there, unfortunately they don’t help. Besides this, even if there would be a fence, your grandparents’ remains should not be disinterred, as previously mentioned. Therefore, by all means regarding your grandparents, the correct thing is to just leave them rest in peace where they currently are. You are a person that wants to do the right thing. The right thing is not to move them at all, and when the time comes, they will thank you for it.
Best wishes
